My self is in the eye of the beholder
"Divide in pairs and tell to the other person what you appreciate about them."
And there I am sitting alone. Staring at the void for 5 minutes.
"Ahaha how was it? How did it make you feel? :))))"
"Gooooooood!"
Fuck off. That felt like shit. But please keep pushing that broom up your ass, I'm sure it will help foster a psychologically safe environment.
A posteriori, that was probably better than hearing bullshit from people that don't know me at all.
If anything, this spurred a lot of introspection. I haven't felt like that since I was, I don't know, in high school? Long time anyway. Got me really confused. And the LSD then only brought up more questions. What am I to the people that surround me? Who am I? It's not necessarily anyone else's fault that I'm an outsider, always, invariably, but why is that? What drives me to the edge?
I would like to shift some blame on COVID, as it robbed me of a part of life which was pretty crucial in terms of shifts in my personality and changes in my life, and sort of stunted me. I struggled a lot to push myself out of my comfort zone in my post-adolescence/early adulthood, not always with brilliant outcomes but I did it. I slowly but steadily had opened up to the world, and then the world closed down on me. And I'll say it out loud: I loved it. So circumstances clearly played a role. I was different after that. But I feel this is just the easy answer I would like to give myself: it's not my fault! Yet deep down I know it's not enough, I know it's not true, it's not an answer to anything, so here we are.
What makes my self in the eye of others? And what if no one else is really looking anymore?