Fear of the future
If I look back at the time I decided to move abroad and start a new chapter in my life, surprisingly (or not?) I cannot really remember what my thought process was.
I remember that it was not really premeditated, and that at some point it just felt like the right thing to do because I suddenly had a great chance and I wanted to get it, but not much else. There was obviously a lot of thinking about money, love, friends, future, and I remember it was difficult to make the decision. It really was. But at the same I feel that knowing the situation would be in some sense temporary, also made it easier. It was 4 years ago, and it feels like forever.
Now I feel the clock slowly ticking, and I know that soon (1 year, 2? 3 at most?) I will have to make a similar choice. But at that point, I will have N extra years of life on my shoulders, no obvious path ahead of me except the one I will forge, and tons of additional complications.
I have to think seriously about my family back home. They start to age, and I cannot pretend anymore that they won't need me. I don't have the luxury to start another "temporary situation". I want to establish some roots, I want to have a place I know I'll be able to call "home" for a while, I want to give myself the right to feel like I belong. But there are so many things I don't know shit about, I don't know what I want or need. It's so fucking difficult every time I start to think about the future I literally paralyze.